Big reveal, I'm the friend he's referring to.
No SD card in the system as the person I bought it from only had one game and probably didn't even know there was an SD slot.
The system was fully functional when I purchased it, but after I initialized it and updated it to the newest firmware it began crashing every time I try to open the game (Pokken). It immediately gives a "software closed due to an error" message or something to that effect.
I've reinstalled the game multiple times, no use. I also wiped the system again, but due to anti piracy the system will not revert to a previous update so if it's related to the fact that I wasn't terribly close to my router at the time of update nintendo will have to be the ones to correct it.
I did find one way to launch the game. If I delete it and reinstall it, and then select to play it before it's done downloading, it will launch and play fine for one playthrough. Not exactly tolerable.
I've called nintendo, they acted like they've never heard of it before and said to try another game, and then once that doesn't work, send it in.
Of course, having bought it second hand (a decision I now thoroughly regret) I don't have a proof of purchase to have the 1yr factory warranty.
So far this experience has sucked.